Summer of Patrick O'Brian: Post Captain the Condensed Version

JA: Oh no! Treaty of Amiens! No ship! I have no money and I am not any good on land!

SM: sulks.

JA: Stephen! Stephen! Are you going to desert me now that the war is over and go to Spain?

SM: *shrugs*

JA: I know! Let's round up Barrett Bonden and Pullings and Mowatt and Killick and all the people we like and rent Melbury Lodge in the South Downs. We can hoist up rigging, raise halliards and live like we did on the Sophie....'cept on land!!!!! Wanna come? PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE! I have some new Corelli and Boccherini sheet music in my bag!

SM: Yah!


Stephen and Jack find the South Downs just as a fox hunt is taking place. What?! Is that a woman in a blue riding habit galloping after that fox? Woman in a man's sport! Wowza!

*Enter Diana Villiers to ruin the next 18 and a half books by treating Stephen like a heel*


*enter Mrs. Williams Sophia, Cecilia and Frances*

Mrs Williams: We are the Jane Austen portion of the book! I am a silly, frivolous woman trying to marry my girls off to the handsome bachelors ( well....Stephen isn't THAT handsome ) at Melbry lodge. Oh! And I have to put up with my widowed niece Diana. She has no money.*


JA:*thinks* hmmm. I like Sophia. She has a great complexion. But Diana is fascinating.

SM: * thinks* I am madly in love with Diana and may fall over due to infatuation at any moment but I am going to supress my feelings by taking her numerous blows and calling her by her last name. In turn, she will call me by my last name.


DV: *thinks* Hmmm! Stephen Maturin is like a kind little basset hound that I can toy with and tease who will look up at my mopily. I think I will keep him. But, I also want to keep Jack because he is 6'4 and brawny and that will teach my cousin Sophia and my stupid aunt.


----Lots of balls and hunting and polo and landsports.

---Maturin writes in his diary about Diana

---Jack and Diana have nightly trysts

---hark! Diana plays the piano well!

---look! Sophia has the greatest complexion ever!

---Stephen is jealous but has nothing to say. Nurses morphine addiction

---Diana calls Stephen ugly and he still follows her around like a mangy dog

---Jack is in debt (shock) and mean people come to Melbury to round him up for debtor's prison

---Stephen sneaks him out the back door

JA: where are we going?
SM: I happen to have a castle in spain. It has sheep and lemon groves
JA: La! My dear! you are an old file!
SM: *skulks*


---Stephen and Jack cross France just as war is declared and English are rounded up

JA: I am a 6"4 blonde captain with a missing ear. They will recognize me right away!!!
SM: Where is a bear costume when you need one?

----Stephen sneaks Jack into Spain disguised as bear

----They end up near Diana Villiers again

*enter Canning*

Canning: Hi! I have a privateer you might want. A Letter of Marque. You can pirate things and make money.

JA: hmmm. Nope. I think I should wiat til the admiralty gives me a commission. I wanna be a post-captain!!

Canning: *shrugs*

Admiral Harte: I am still mad at you because you had an affair with my wife. Take this soggy little sloop called Polychrest. But be warned. It might sink. Also, I cannot promise you any good officers. You might have to find them off the street.


JA: I have a ship!
SM: *secretly* I don't know if I can come this time. I have *wink* stuff to...erm....stuff to do

(Stephen is now an intelligence agent)

JA: I cannot live without you!
SM: Fine. I'll meet you at the end of the week after I finish *wink* doing *wink* stuff.... *nudge*


AT SEA:

---Lt. Parker makes everyone mad ( including Stephen)
---Jack spends way too much time on shore with Diana and Stephen can smell her perfume on his uniform when he gets back to the ship
---Stephen starts to hate Jack
----Polychrest sucks and there is no prize money.


SM: Jack, you suck! You shouldn't keep going on shore to *cough* visit Diana because you will get arrested for debt. After I snuck you 'cross the border in a bear costume and fed you lemon juice. THIS is how you repay me? Just take Sophia and be done with it

JA: *humph* mebbe we aren't friends anymore

SM: Fine! I challenge you to a duel!

JA: NOT ANOTHER ONE!

SM: hmmm ....yep!


---Stephen goes to find duelling pistols

----Jack finds out that Diana is sleeping w. Canning

---Jack goes to the pub and gets drunk:

JA: I cannot fight Stephen. This is stupid. I'm gonna end up just standing there and letting him shoot a bullet in me. And, I think I love Sophie. But, her mum won't let me marry her because she has a dowry and I am in debt. DRAT!!!

SM: hmm. I thought everyone liked me on this ship. Apparently they only liked me because Jack likes me. Damn. I have no friends.... ow!

*Polychresters "accidentally" bump into Stephen


---Stephen overhears talk of mutiny

SM: Erm... Jack. I still don't like you and you smell and I am not your friend but they are planning a mutiny. Oh! and this ship will probably sink.
JA: MUTINY! OH NO!

----To avoid planned mutiny, Jack steers the Polychrest into battle and discovers the mutiny is as a result of the men hating Parker and not him.


----FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

SM: Oh no! Jack, you're wounded
JA: Aren't you supposed to be mad at me?
SM: Nah! I can't stay mad at you.
JA: I think I'll stick with Sophie. You can have Diana!
SM:*brightly* Thanks!


----Jack is made Post-Captain

----Jack and Stephen sail away

---Diana continues affair with Canning and continues to ruin Stephen's life

Summer of Patrick O'Brian: love letter to Post- Captain

I know you are just a book ( if anything can ever be just a book ) but I absolutely, ardently, passionately love you.

You are a brilliant novel.

You are enough Jane Austen to make me want to slip into a drawing room and sit like a lady whilst discussing how many couples were at the last ball and people's health and the weather and whist and so forth while listening to the pianoforte.

You are enough CS Forester to make me want to jump aboard and spirit away to the Antipodes atop a 36 gun frigate with the wind in my mainsail and an old ditty about spain and rations in my heart.

You are just a remarkably well-plotted; well-structured work of genius.

I hang on every word of your sparkling dialogue

I laugh at your subtle wit

I forgive the more implausible moments of your outline ( Jack Aubrey disguised as a bear as Stephen sneaks him across France to their destination: Stephen's castle complete with sheep and lemon groves---ha!) and I get infuriated at you ----- and the havoc you wreak on my susceptible emotions. How CAN Diana Villiers be so fascinating and simultaneously so poisonous?

For your dichotomy; your smart turns-of-phrase; your unbelievable narrative and the best editing known to man, I salute you.


For your representation of strong, determined and smart women in a man's world of seamanship and war, I will raise thirteen guns to larboard.


I absolutely adore you.


I know it is a little unorthodox to write a love letter to a book, but I cannot help myself.

Summer of Patrick O'Brian: Master and Commander the Condensed Version

I am re-reading the entire Aubrey/ Maturin canon..... no easy feat. My first read-through took well over a year and was not chronological ( I started reading them during a summer studying in England and would pick them up at used bookstores everywhere just before I boarded trains with my Britrail pass).

Now, I started back at one. Instead of "reviewing" each in the series, I start my homage to some of my favourite literary works of all time ....with the ever popular format of abridgement!


Master and Commander: the condensed version



Port Mahon 1800



Enter Jack Aubrey:

Hi! I'm Jack Aubrey I am at least 15 stone and I love concerts. I am a lieutenant in the navy. I am having an affair with Molly Harte. This does not make Admiral Harte happy. He might wreck my career some day but zounds! Molly plays the harp well---among other things
Some of my ship mates call me goldilocks because my hair is blonde. Later I will be called Lucky Jack Aubrey. But, I am not so lucky now. I owe tons of money. I need a ship. Drat!


I still, however, have time to go to a concert ashore:

I really like music ( especially Corelli) but this Locatelli chamber concert is awesome. They are playing the C major quartet. Music is going to pervade this long, long book series.



I am going to beat my knee cap with my fist in time with the music



Oh look! There is a little, sparse-looking fellow with pale eyes. I think he is angry that I am making noise and humming along at the concert.


Jack Aubrey: hum-hum-hummmm!

Little sparse-looking fellow with pale eyes: Shuddup!


More music “pom pom pom”

Jack Aubrey: I can keep time with the cello part. I am making a lot of noise.


*Chair scuffle. Concert over*


Sparse-looking fellow with pale eyes *angrily*: you ruined the concert you oaf. You made so much noise!

Jack Aubrey: I am thinking I would like to beat you over the head with my chair. But I will not say this aloud. Instead, I will glare at you, you ill-looking cove!



Sparse-looking fellow with pale eyes *angrily*: You cannot beat time! You suck!

Jack Aubrey: Who are you to tell me I can'tbeat time? I challenge thee to a duel! Let’s deke it out!


Sparse-looking fellow with pale eyes.:Name the time and the place. My name is Stephen Maturin and I am staying at Joselito’s coffee house!



Jack Aubrey: You are a sparse looking fellow with pale eyes



Maturin: humph!





--Jack visits Molly Harte( Jack should not do this it is bad for his naval career)


---Jack is given command of the "Sophie" and is set to sail

---Jack is happy.

---Jack runs into Maturin downtown the morning after the concert-- He is no longer angry because he has a ship

JA: Sorry I was so loud and obnoxious at the concert. I have a ship

SM: cool!

JA: wanna go on a man date?

SM: I have not eaten since the peace. Be there

JA: cool!

SM: Let me buy you some hot chocolate

*drink hot chocolate*


---Jack does important naval things for the next 30 pages and it looks like one of his new shipmates did something inappropriate with a goat.

---Jack and Stephen Maturin go on another man date. Here, they eat boar and sheep and drink lots of wine:

JA: I have a ship!

SM: cool!

JA: and look! I have a shiny gold epaulette!

SM: cool!

JA: wanna go on another man date?

SM: yah! *distractedly looks out window*

JA: are you paying attention?

SM: there's a bird! I am a naturalist. I like birds. I also speak eighteen different languages, play the cello and am strangely introverted.

JA: I play the violin

SM: let's talk music


play and talk.....play and talk.....


Friendship solidified

JA: what do you do?

SM: I am a physician. But my rich patient died and I have no money

JA: wanna sail across the world with me? You can see lots of bugs and we can play music!

SM: ‘kay!



Night-time

---Stephen Maturin sleeping under a tree and eating leftover lamb he snuck in his pocket after his dinner the night before: “ I came all the way out here for this patient and he died on me and now I am an overqualified physician ( none of that common surgeon nonsense) and oh look! There’s a bug! I like bugs. I am a naturalist. Now I have nothing to do.


I must go to sea!



SEA:

JA: I have good people here! I like Barrett Bonden and James Pullings and I like that guy who everyone thinks is gay… but… wait. I am not sure if I like this red-headed guy who is my lieutenant Oh! maybe I do!

Red Headed Guy: My name is James Dillon. I am a lieutenant. I am also Irish. I am also Catholic. But, shhh! You cannot tell ppl in the British navy you are catholic so I will be pouty and secretive.

Stephen Maturin * recognizes James Dillon from his rebel stint as a United Irishman*: I know your secret!

James Dillon: You are a sparse-looking fellow with pale eyes. Go hang out by the water pump.


*Stephen hangs out by the water pump*



---James Dillon sulks for the next three hundred pages


---Stephen Maturin writes in his diary for the next three hundred pages when he is not tripping over things or falling into the sea because he is a landlubber where Jack is a sea-lion ( note dichotomy). He writes about birds and insects and how Jack and James do not get along.

--Jack Aubrey has lots of great victories and lots of wine and gains eight pounds eating soused hog’s face and disguises the Sophie as a whaler to trick the much larger Spanish xebec-frigate the "Cacafuego"



---More music playing

----More nautical terminology

---Stephen becomes introverted and pouts. Jack loses part of his ear.


---Battles and Nautical jargon





---Stephen sees a tree frog





----Jack visits Mrs. Harte again


-----Stephen dissects a dolphin.


-----Jack is put to court martial because he let some prisoners off on an island


----Jack is acquitted but has no commission.


----lots of drinking


---Jack and Stephen sit under the stars and basically declare their undying love for each other ( in a platonic way) and plan to sail again.





THE END

allow me to redirect you....

I know that some people still visit here which is fantastic. Thanks !



I am, for the time being, primarily devoted to the upkeep of The Thinking Girl's Guide to Christian Fiction.


This is something I have always wanted to do and I hope I can continue to sift through Christian novels to find the gems amongst large piles of ....well.... not gems.

I am very dedicated to the success of that blog. Hope you will visit there and maybe shed some preconceived notions regarding the Christian genre.


I confess I will rarely be back here as my gig as a YA book reviewer and now my propensity to blog at my other site will keep my spare time at a minimum.


however, do not rule me out. On Special Occasions, I shall return.

After all, there will be new Derek Landys and Arthur Slades and Catherine Webbs and I would not deprive this blog of my loud and effervescent squeals of joy over some of my favourites ~


but that will be sporadic.


happy reading, all!



For the Record: I still read lots of fiction in a variety of genres ( as always) so don't sit there thinking: poor girl. Gave up a life of good reading to read nary but Christian prose from now on.

not the case.


adieu!

reviews

Hello, I have written several reviews recently over on my Christian fiction blog:

I have a love/hate relationship with this genre which will be apparent when you read my reviews. I am always truthful and I hope never biased.


mantra: Just because its Christian, doesn't mean its good.

Christmas Books

I always re-read some of my favourite books at Christmas and this year is no exception.

I packed last night for two weeks at home and while I packed numerous books I have not read, I also loaded up my gorgeous STRAND bag ( right from Greenwich Village and the largest used bookstore in the world ) with:

Vienna Prelude (Thoene) --- I have read this every year since I was 12. Always at Christmas. The first book I ever re-read

The Man with a Load of Mischief (Grimes)


Something by LM Montgomery ( usually Jane of Lantern Hill --- which it is this year )

Great Expectations (Dickens)

the Blooding of Jack Absolute (Humphreys)


Horatio Lyle ( a new tradition )

Eight Cousins and Rose in Bloom (Alcott)


I will let you know if I think of any more.


Remember to get your hands on a copy of The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Schaeffer because I LOVED it!


Starting Ariadne Franklin's City of Shadows because I am hankering for something to do with the Romanovs and this looks thrilling and fun.

author meme

I snatched this from At Home with Books

1. Do you have a favorite author?

This is a really tough question because I have favourite authors for favourite genres. I have authors who are my favourite for very different reasons. Usually, when asked big umbrella questions, I answer Charles Dickens.

From a scholarship point of view, it's LM Montgomery

Mystery: Martha Grimes

gah! too many.

2. Have you read everything he or she has written?

Yes. I have read it all ( atleast I think I have, he was so prolific; but, a lot of letters, the serials, Sketches by Boz.....)

3. Did you LIKE everything?

I like the range of everything. I respect everything. Some books are better than others---but no two are the same.

4. How about a least favorite author?

Dan Brown.

5. An author you wanted to like, but didn’t?

Libba Bray is one. I was so excited about the Spense Academy books. The covers were gorgeous and I love historical YA but yawn. I hate it when authors' blogs are more clever than their novels ( which is the case here )

harry potter and doctor who hybrid...what?

Book covers and editions fascinate me. They are part of the bibliophilic experience and I collect numerous editions of my favourite books. Some for the covers;some for translations; some for prefaces or biblographies or historical significances or footnotes.


Here we have the upcoming edition of The Doomsday Machine -- the third volume of my beloved Horatio Lyle sequence.

got Dickens?

Round-Up:

• Saw The Sound of Music. Magnificent. The new production ( as produced and revamped by Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber ) was more than worth the price of admission
• Saw this year's National Ballet production of The Nutcracker at the Four Seasons Centre
• the temperature dropped ( and dropped )
• fair Toronto got snow
• Read Midnight Magic by Avi
• watched Dead Poets' Society

But, the most exciting thing in my world right now is the fact that glorious TVO has a headstart on Masterpiece Theatre and is showing the new ITV Dickens' Season starting with The Old Curiousity Shop .... HUZZAH


Next week, Oliver Twist.


Just like the Jane Austen Season of yore... only better.


Lots of carols to sing in church tonight! Woot!